On Barbecues

I have been informed by Steve that we can’t have a dinner party until we do it properly, which means ushering in the warm weather with a good old barbecue. That we don’t have a barbecue didn’t phase Steve at all when he made this pronouncement; he was on the verge of buying a Big Green Egg.

The Big Green Egg, for those of you who don’t know, is a ceramic smoker/grill/barbecue that is supposedly the best thing since sliced bread. The testimonials, which take up vast tracts of space on the company’s brochure and web site (duh, www.biggreenegg.com) say things like:


“The egg has to be the best stress buster in the world, because there is nothing like coming home and firing up the egg. I treat it like a child, and to me, there are no other grills.”

“HOLY RIB ROAST BATMAN! THIS GRILL IS AMAZING. WE PURCHASED IT ON MONDAY AND HAVE NEARLY WENT THROUGH A BAG OF CHARCOAL ALREADY. THE FOOD IS ABSOLUTLY AWESOME. YES, THE GAS GRILL IS ON THE CURB AWAITING THE GARBAGE MAN’S ARRIVAL.”

“I have been an EGGcited man for three years and I’m proud to say this will be the last grill I will ever use!”

“It’s not just a way of cooking food. It’s a way of life.”

“I once was lost but now I’m found. This is the best investment I’ve made in years. I now have two other grills pulled around to the side of my house.”


“Fine,” I said. “When are you going to buy it?” You have to understand, I’ve been itching to have a party. Steve hopped online and started researching prices.

Big mistake. He then found the Kamado.

“So no Big Green Egg now?” I enquired.

“Ha!” he scoffed. “The BGE is a rip off! It’s for fat white trashy guys.” I couldn’t argue: I’d seen the spelling and grammar of the testimonials. (Although one of the Kamado’s testimonials states, “I had a BGE in another life with a different wife…Don’t want either of them back. Got a #7 and a new wife, and both are a great improvement over their predecessors!” )

So the Kamado is the original ceramic cooker, and it comes in all sorts of pretty ceramic tiled designs that are completely over the top and would fit right in the emerging Japanese garden.

“Great, so you’re buying a Kamado?” I asked. In my head I was calculating when it would arrive …

The only problem is that there aren’t any dealers in Washington. You have to order from their San Francisco office. And then there’s that pesky 8 percent sales tax. “I know, we should take a road trip down to San Francisco–we can surf on the way–and pick one up!”

In other words, we’re not having a party anytime soon.